Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
