onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
