I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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