I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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