It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
