Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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