A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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