I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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