Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
