If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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