He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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