Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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