Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
