she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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