Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
