note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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