At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
