my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
