just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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