While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
