apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
YAS. BRING CRAB.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize