Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
