I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
