Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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