I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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