i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
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She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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