Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
