Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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