im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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