our cab driver is having phone sex.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
