Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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