I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
