Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
