sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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