I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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