so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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