one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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