textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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