things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
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He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
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the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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