he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
