I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
