i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
