I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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