you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
