I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
