life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize