VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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