I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
