I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
