I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
