dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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