he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
they call him Oral-B. enough said
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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