Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize