i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hippo gnu deer
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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