Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize