I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
