i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
