Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
