Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
