Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
