my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
